20 minute buying power ·
18 June 04

I went to the train station to hand my director her papers….and I saw the glow from HMV calling me….

I walked on, but it kept calling…

“Jin, come in side, we have what you want….we know you want to! we know you need to know if there is anything on sale….come inside”

“No evil sale voice! I refuse to, I have to go back to the office!!!”

“Come on bitch, you like this kinda shit this dont you? Yeah you
know you do…”

“arghhhh!!! Leave me alone, I AM SAVING MONEY!! I need my own
place, to collect porn and stuff…”

“We have porn!!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

it would make browsing so much easier if I didn’t have to hide behind one of the sales people

It drew me in with its big stinky sales hand, dragging me by my balls kicking and screaming “I don’t want to buy! I am SAVING!!!” I took a look outwards, to see if my Director had disappeared, if so, it would make browsing so much easier if I didn’t have to hide behind one of the sales people, or behind the “special interest” section (otherwise known as BIG BABS PORN HOUSE).

I browsed around, and saw a few boxsets on “sale”. They weren’t really on sale, they were knocked down by about £2. FUCKING CHEAP BASTARDS! I shook my fist at HMV and shouted, “You people call this a sale? I could find whores in an alley that give better discounts!” I didn’t do this, but it would have been appropriate I think.

I didn’t like the boxsets, they were a bit shit. So I went round the store. It’s only a small store, about the size of someone’s living room. So, everything is stacked so that either two average sized people can walk down one aisle, or one rotten, greedy fat cunt can. As is often the case, people bring their bags with them – they stick out like rocket packs, and hit people in the back or face as they turn. They don’t apologise cuz they can’t see. It’s funny. Until you get it, and you look at them and say “Rape anyone?” You don’t really, but you want to scare the shit out of them – so you give them the “rape stare”. It’s a good thing you can’t get arrested for staring! phew!

As I moved along, listening to Amon Tobin, looking out for my Director who had probably gone by now by all accounts, but worrying keeps me on my toes – means I can’t relax, and have to do everything as quick as possible. Sort of like screwing your best friend’s partner, and running as they come home and you exit out the window. I hope I don’t do that, but if she makes me, then only by offering me lots of sweets. Then, and ONLY then, I might.

I wasn’t finding anything of interest. Although I finally found a DVD copy of Goodbye Lenin on DVD, it was £17.99 and I thought, “FUCK YOU SALE BASTEEED!” I kept moving along and something caught my eye, and then my penis got trapped in the porn section and I couldn’t dig it out no matter how hard I tried!! The sales reps grabbed me from the back and started pulling, but my dick wouldn’t budge! It just kept growing longer and stretchier! Suddenly it changed into a multitude of vivid and lucid colours. Actually this didn’t happen either, but it would be really funny if it did.

Suddenly I saw copies of Audition for sale. £10.99 each. I thought great, except I already have it. The girl was on the front cover, with the syringe in her hand. Kinky girl, I liked her. Good movie too. I thought about buying it for my friend. Holy shit! I was going to buy it for someone else, but now I know I have to buy if for another friend cuz he asked me to and the other one didn’t ask me but I thought it’d be a nice thing. Crap!

I got naked and changed into my Sherlock Holmes outfit

Then, I thought, “Hang on – HMV rarely sell foreign films on sale, what gives?” So, in that store, I got naked and changed into my Sherlock Holmes outfit. I got my deflated inflated dog and started to blow it, the customers became concerned, watching this half-naked asian Sherlock Holmes blowing an inflating dog by it’s gnads. I didn’t do this, and I would probably be arrested if I did. But I know the customers in that shop saw me and imagined this happening and I smiled at them and said “I KNOW! I have that SAME THOUGHT!”

Well anyway, I was gobsmacked! My eyes went into a dizzy spin, and I started to flick my top lip and said “blub blub”. Wow! So many foreign films on sale! I almost wanted to get naked, climb on the stacks and yell “WE HAVE CONTACT!! I’m gonna EXPLODE! Thank you HMV!” I didn’t, because I knew I had to get back to the office soon – or the team would get suspicious as to why the delivery of documents to a train station 5 minutes from the office, was suddenly taking an hour….

I noticed that there was some Bollywood flicks. Instantly I thought of Jenn. Suddenly, I started seeing Jenn’s face on all the DVD front covers! I thought, “HOLY JESUS!! What the fuck am I seeing? And why is she wearing THAT!? There’s kinky and then there’s THAT!” And then suddenly everyone had Jenn’s head, and I wanted to run out of the shop like a flipping retard with my hands clasped in my head screaming “ugga ugga ugga”.

[zz93]

Naturally that didn’t happen, but it would make a great horror movie I think. A short one – in fact, I have a new video project in mind. Excellent. What really happened, however, was I saw the Bollywood movies, and thought, “Ah Jenn would like that”, and then cringed at the thought of actually remembering the names or what they looked like. They’re very nasty things.

In anycase, I took out my hands from the insides of my boxers after playing “pass the penis” in private with myself (the right hand won – as always the music stops when he has my penis, but I wonder if, perhaps, it is…MY GOD! FIXED?!), I started to grab the DVDs I wanted. Many titles I planned to buy but hadn’t due to laziness. Many titles I didn’t know about, but hell, almost everything was for £10.99 so I thought, “WHY NOT!?” It’s one of my favourite questions.

Aye baby!! I canney find ney card!

I picked and grabbed and put the mental limit of £50 on my purchases. As I picked, and grabbed, I could hear the “Kerching” as I picked another DVD. In fact I do not believe I picked up a DVD and then put it back. I just picked them up, and collected them. As I reached the limit of the £50, I saw the warning lights!!! Everyone in the shop turned to me and said, “Don’t do it, you know, it’s dangerous – besides, you have about 50 DVDs at home you aint seen!”

Uh oh, I thought, and out of the smoke filled room came a hissing sound. “sssssssssssssss” it went.

“Mwahahaha – I am the evil Sales spirit, I make you buy as much as you want and more! MORE!! MORE!! Mwahahahhaah”

The customers shuddered, but I wasn’t scared!

“You dumb ass son of a dirty shit snake! I ain’t need a pussy like you to increase my limit, look at me! I have 7 DVDs already that comes to the KERCHING of £73 already! Dumb ass whore! Fuck off back into the smoke you shit eater!”

Smoke gone. My hands now carrying, in a very unbalanced manner, 14 DVDs. I had gone past my limit, and let it for dust. “Fuck it, why not?” Ah, good question! I walked over to the counter, waiting to be served, then I had a memory! “MUST BUY ME!! MUST BUY ME TOO” I heard the voices say, I went back to the other DVDs and saw another several that I wanted to buy – that I needed to buy. I picked up one more, and then let my penis carry the weight of the DVDs, while I tied my hands to my balls. “No more for you naughty hands!”

I dumped the DVDs on the desk, and the man started tagging them. I thought, “Ah she’d go out with him, he seems her type” and then I thought, “I don’t get paid enough to find partners for my friends”. As he tagged, I fumbled around for my debit card, “Aye baby!! I canney find ney card!”

“Sorry, sorry – could you stop, I don’t have my card.”

“Oh” He seemed disappointed. He had immediately tagged so many, he was halfway through, and I spoilt the only day he had of fun. He would probably go home and sob, and scream, “WHY GOD WHY???!” Lucky for him, God finally found his debit card!

Mwahahaha – I am the evil Sales spirit, I make you buy as much as you want and more! MORE!! MORE!! Mwahahahhaah

“Ah, great, I found it! Keep going mate.”

“Cool!”

He continued to tag the DVDs and finally the total came up,

”£152.79 please”

I handed over my card, I signed the authorisation, and I left HMV. As I walked out, I lit a cigarette and threw the lighter backwards. The oil that had been leaking from the car was suddenly lit! The whole place blew up, and I saw it in the reflection. I thought to myself, “Shit I have to come back tomorrow, as I need those other DVDs!”

As you can guess, again this did not really happen. I left, and returned to the office, knowing full well tomorrow is DVD buying day again.