a cycle of shit ·
14 July 07

I’m stuck in a shit cycle probably of my own making. For the last two weeks I managed to get through them thanks to Wimbledon being on. I would wake up early in the morning, as usual, and zombify my attention towards the television. I would switch from channel to channel, programme to programme, trying to avoid boredom and monotony.

I would get through a day by watching the news. But if you know anything about 24 hour news is that they repeat the same six or seven stories through out a day. I can’t understand how these news readers get paid to repeat the same shit day in, day out, and manage to keep a straight face. These people are professional bull shitters. Talented bull shitters, but bull shitters all the same. If I tried spewing the same conversation with a friend 24 hours a day, I’d end up murdered by that friend.

But with Wimbledon and the other crap on television, I could get through the day safely and without much distress. But Wimbledon is over, and it was only a two week event. Because of this, I no longer have a safe method to get through the day. I have to rely on programmes that make you want to commit suicide and the repetitious news that hammers it’s articles straight into your skull.

I still have the course, of course, but I’m struggling with that too. Nothing holds my interest and I just want the days to go past as quick as possible. I can’t handle the boredom or the mundane, and yet these are two things that are quite fixed in my life at the moment. How do you beat it? I’m not sure I have an answer for that. It would be useful if I had some idea of what to do.

One of the possible outlets for my frustration would be to go outside for the hell of it and go walking around for an hour or so a day. I can do it, and I have done it, but to do it on a regular basis takes balls for me. I am lazy, but that’s not the reason for not going out. I get paranoid and delusional about others around me. Are they listening to me? Can they hear what I’m thinking? Can they see what I’m imagining? Are they judging me? It gets worse, it becomes confusing, and difficult to manage.

The voice that talks to me has been quite vicious lately. This has been mainly due to the discussion about my biological father, and my lack of closure about the whole issue of not being allowed to know my father. My parents split when I was 3 years old, they divorced when I was 10 or so. It’s not a topic I like discussing because it sort of opens up old wounds, and memories of how my life was shaped by mother to exclude my father. If I was to display any favour or interest in my father when I was a kid, my mother would make it quite clear that this was a betrayal on my part. I was raised with guilt.

My friend put seeds of doubt in my motives for opting for group therapy. I’ve been assured that any sessions will not be in any shape or form resembling an AA meeting. There will be no, “My name is bob, and I’m a schizophrenic” queue applause, and hugs, and pats on the back. It’s not gonna be so pathetic I’m told.

The concern I have is that perhaps I won’t receive the attention I need to help with my problems. Sharing a psychologist/psychiatrist amongst several people, it’s logical to assume that not everyone gets a fair amount of time to discuss issues bothering them.

My psych suggested that it would be useful in the sense that it would help rebuild my social skills and would pull down the wall of paranoia I have of strangers. I think being in group therapy will possibly harm me as much as it will help me. I have a curious mind which is why I enquired about group therapy and ECT. One out of two isn’t bad I guess, as long as that one thing is for the right reasons.