beat the trainer! ·
2 August 05

Doesn’t matter what level you teach at, you end up with some twatheads. I hate the fact that rumour has gone around that I want to be an MCSE teacher/trainer.

See, what happened was my trainer took me into a room – it had glass you could see through, so rape wasn’t really a possibility – though perhaps they like to molest adult males in full view. I don’t know, but I know I wasn’t molested.

The conversation went something like:

“So what do you think about teaching here?”
“You mean me teaching?”
“Yeah – I think you’re smart, you talk and communicate well with others, you’re not afraid to stand up and talk to a class of 30 or so – at least that’s what I see.”
“Well, I suppose it’s an option but I haven’t thought about it”
“You should think about it, because I’m not happy with some of the trainers here and I think you could ten times better than any of them here”
“Well I need to pass the exams first”
“Fuck all that shit, would you be interested – seriously?”
“Er…I suppose, I mean, it’s an option and I would consider it”

Well it was a bit longer than that, and I almost got into my mental state of mind, which I think wouldn’t be good, but I liketo be upfront about that sort of shit.

Since then I’ve had subsequent meetings – everytime I get to class they call me “The New Teacher” – I haven’t even fucking said “Yes” yet and I’ve had trainers coming up to me asking me when I start, and whether I’m looking forward to it. How many times do I have to repeat, I HAVEN’T SAID YES!

At the same time, I haven’t said no. I’m weighing my options – even six months doing it wouldn’t be a bad thing it means I could get my own place – sort of, I mean I could flat share with someone at the very least.

There’s one guy who vocally shouts the other side of the argument in that I haven’t said yes and, as he puts it, “He doesn’t want to fucking teach here”. He keeps asking me I don’t just say no, but then I’m a rational sort of person – I look at every possibility regardless of it’s remoteness and making a logical, practical decision based on that. At the moment, I guess my choices are limited so it is in avenue into something else at the very least. It could never be long term.

I haven’t even fucking said “Yes” yet and I’ve had trainers coming up to me asking me when I start, and whether I’m looking forward to it

See, if I wasn’t suffering from paranoia and whatever else, then I guess I would be normal and I coulf function properly and not want to cut the throats of those around me, or dream of their painful and mutilated demise. It’s been about 2 months since I saw the shrinks, and I’ve heard nothing since. It seems I have to kill or be dangerous to myself before anything is done. Surely that’s a bad thing? It’s like telling someone they have cancer but they won’t act on it until they actually start to feel the pain and suffering of the cancer.

Then how do I deal with it around work? If i accept that is, I still have my exams to do. I failed the two pre-mocks by a small margin, but only because I keep fucking refusing to go by instinct. I know, by working out the answer and by instinct the answer I choose is right, and yet I always doubt the answer – something in me says change it, so I fail by about 2 or 3 questions.

Sometime last week I was told to stand up in front of the class – a class where about 90% will actually fail the exams the first time (they get three chances, but must pass two out of three, so really it’s one chance to get it wrong). Then they can do the Professional exam, and then go on to ATP (Advanced Training Program) which is either Exchange 2003 or Server 2003. I bottled it though, I put my arms in a circle on the table and slapped my face sideways down onto it, I grabbed the edges and said,

“There’s no fucking way I’m teaching – I can’t do it. I’m not your trainer, I just don’t have the balls”

It was a topic I know inside out anyway, permissions & shares – it’s a piece of cake, but still my mind went blank and I got stage fright I think. Plus I didn’t feel intimidated, I felt like a child. It was as though I automatically reacted as a child to a request from a teacher – it wasn’t shame or the fear of being ridiculed, I just was not mentally taking it seriously. That worries me sometimes, that I can end up in that state – when 90% of the time I’m serious and sullen, suddenly I act like a 5 year old and go all “goo goo ga ga”.

At the very least I wish they’d stop calling me the new teacher, it’s starting put a lot fucking pressure on me. I mean what the fuck if I don’t pass? What right do I have to teach this inbred morons anything, aside from how to communicate with more than simple grunts and nods. It’s like teaching fucking apes.