choices and decisions ·
2 December 07

It’s my third or fourth day without medication and things are not going well. This is my second day of having the overwhelming vomit inducing sickness feeling, say that ten times fast. I can taste the vomit that’s rising, but never enough for it to pour out like a pitcher of squash. Fuck, it’s driving me insane.

I haven’t slept in over twenty four hours. I tried hard and then I tried not so hard, and neither worked in getting me any shut eye. I got 0 winks let alone 40. Everything is irritating me, and so I’ve become, naturally, irritable. I have pains all over my body, they come and go but they leave a memorable mark by the pain they cause. Right now it’s my top right shoulder, and my skull. It shifts all over the place. I mean I feel the vomit inducing sickness along with the shifting pain at the same time, along with visual hallucinations. I keep seeing cockroaches all over the fucking place. Climbing up the walls, running around on the floor, going in and out of food, crawling over me and you get the general idea. I don’t know why but I am seeing it and I’ve become very twitchy.

There are times when I think I’m going to be ok, that this will pass. This WILL pass, and I will be ok. But right now I’m in a world of confusion. I also goddamn fucking stink. I haven’t showered in two weeks. I’m staying in my room because I stink and everyone has already stated that I stink. I’m going to shower after I finish writing because I can’t stand the fucking smell. It’s probably one of the reasons why I feel physically sick. It’s not a “OMG IT’S FUCKING TOXIC”, but it is unpleasant. God, even writing I can smell the smell. It’s smelly. Why I haven’t I showered? Well, I don’t want to shower with the cockroaches. But I’ll give it a go.

I don’t know if I will be able to sleep. I’ve tried, damn I’ve really tried, but it’s not working for me at the moment. The fucking pain is returning in my right shoulder and my throat is clogged with spittle. I can clear my throat but then it feels like it’s being constricted by something, some force. Fuck this I’m going to shower.

At least I don’t smell any more, but taking a shower was so fucking alien to me. I scrubbed well, but damn, you’re supposed to take about five minutes in a shower, and as always I spent about two hours. It’s the only time I get to think or clear my mind of any thoughts. I can be brain dead for two ours and the only thing I have to do is let the water run over me to wash away the fucking suds and dirt. I need something like that that I can use in normal, everyday use as I don’t have an equivalent outside of it.

God I can’t even listen to music, everything is irking me now. My stomach is doing motherfucking cartwheels and churning like a motherfucker. My teeth hurt, my skull hurts, my left is going in and out of pins and needles, I’ve got this lethal fucking sharp pain in my right eye that’s making it hard to see and I can’t get the fuck to sleep. I’m trying to calm myself, I’m not as verbally abusive as I used to be, I’m quite tame than what I used to be. Swear away motherfucker.

I’m looking at my playlist and I currently have Faith No More playing, and I can leave that playing through the entire discography, but after that I have Faithless followed by Fatboy Slim, and, a motherfucking freight train of noise from Fear Factory headed my way. If I’m going to try to sleep, this is the one time in my life where heavy/industrial metal music will NOT help me achieve my goal. Yes, I listen to metal when I go to sleep. Actually I listen to all forms of music when I got sleep, and it includes metal.

So it’s been several hours now and I still can’t get to sleep. I’m going to try again, since I’ve showered, and may be that will help. Still playing Faith no More and it’s been cool, it’s at least relaxed me mentally. I was getting in a panic. Hallucinations have sort of stopped. My anxiety levels have dropped, pains have gone but I still feel really sick and my stomach continues to do cartwheels.

It’s crossing my mind to stop my medication all together, for both my depression and schizophrenia. I know that there’s a chance that I will become worse, or my condition will at any rate. But I see what the medication has done to my body in terms of dependency and look at me now, I can’t stay off it without becoming ill.

I don’t know if I can risk myself this way. I mean is it a bigger risk to stop than it is to continue? I can’t really weigh the odds as both look as bad as each other. I’m confused as to what to do. I’m gonna see how many more days the withdrawal lasts for, and then I’m gonna make a decision on what to do. I think. I don’t know really.