endings ·
1 March 07

Endings are hard to deal with, especially when it’s in regard to something that you’ve been semi-dependent on. My sessions with my psych are coming to an end. I’ve been in therapy for over a year, and soon that will all end.

I’m not sure how I feel about it, at one point today I was in great despair and felt quite sick about the whole thing. Feeling sick is starting become a habit when something I don’t want happening, happens. I think the therapy for me has only just started, even after a year of it.

I feel that year has been a step forward in terms of moving on with my life, but I also feel that I haven’t achieved as much as I would like in therapy. I have lost my confidence and my ability to communicate what I feel and think clearly. I’m no longer as articulate as I used to be, and less expressive than I am capable of being.

On the other hand, I suppose I’m no longer a case, as I haven’t attacked or hurt anyone of late, and this is another significant step forward. It’s also a step in the unknown, as it’s therapy that has got me this far, along with my medications.

Being frightened of what may happen, or maybe what won’t happen, is the great fear I have about having the therapy stopped. I feel like buying cocaine, the more I think about the therapy ending. I need some sort of coping strategy that isn’t coke related, but has the same impact. Coke doesn’t give me my confidence, it just releases my anxieties and and soothes my fears. I’ve yet to have a bad come down, or a bad batch of coke, yet I’ve been clean for several months now, and that also includes legal toxins such as cigs and alcohol. I’ve been sober for months, since October/November I believe.

I can’t give myself therapy, that wouldn’t work. I also feel that infrequent or stopped sessions would be harder to deal with. It would be like going cold turkey for a smack or crack addict. I’m not addict to therapy, but I am semi-dependent on it to keep me sane, and for it to be an outlet for my problems and concerns.

Although my psych did say she wouldn’t leave me in limbo, I feel that’s exactly where I will end up. I don’t know why my eyes are welling up with tears. I’m usually quite strong about things like this, but right now I am feeling extremely depressed, and that’s causing nausea and other symptoms that are related to sickness. The therapy can’t last forever, I am aware of this and I do want to continue to rebuild my life by studying and getting a job in IT. But, there’s always a but, I feel completely naked and bare at the thought of the sessions ending abruptly.

It’s ironic, as when I first started therapy, I treated it with disdain and felt it an unwelcome part of my treatment, even though I was the one who requested it. I felt it would turn out to be a series of patronising, state-the-fucking-obvious types of sessions. Kudos to my psychologist who has changed my mind and my approach to therapy. Perhaps she did too good a job.

This is the first time I’ve managed to write during a depressive state in quite some time. I had sense of deja vu several times during the day, that made me quite ill and sick to my stomach. I don’t know why it makes me sick since anyone else that experiences a sense repetition just remarks that it feels similar. I actually become physically sick and it raises my temper. It’s a silly thing, but I’m sure there is a logical reasoning to it. I hate repetition and I hate familiarity, that latter just makes me want to kill.

Of course the other problem is that my psych can’t dedicate her time to one or a group of individuals. There are many more people that need her support and her help than I do. I can understand that position, but it doesn’t make me feel any better or less abandoned. I feel alone and scared in many ways. I’m 26 years old, and I feel like a child rather than an adult. It’s pathetic really. Maybe I do deserve to die, one less problem to deal with for people trying to help.

I feel so fucking isolated in this life, like nothing I do or say makes a difference, that I am incompetent and incapable of achieving anything even if I put my mind to it. What really pisses me off is how weak I am, all this writing so far has been that of someone is weak and immature. I wish I could grow up a bit, and learn to walk on my own to feet. But, and here’s another pathetic excuse, I don’t think I’m ready. If feeling like this makes me sick, then what the hell can I do? I feel like I’m choking myself to death, as i can feel physical discomfort around my throat, as though it’s shrinking during this episode of mine. I’m also finding it difficult to breathe. I know if I take a breather, I will end up not writing what I feel and simply end this (which would be ironic given the title).

The voice has been quite damning of the recent therapy as well as shouting and bellowing to harm myself. I’ve resisted the urge, and so far I’m quite proud that voice hasn’t been able to force me or take control of my body to act out in such a manner. It does, however, frighten me more now. The reason is because I recorded my voice on a dictating machine, and to my shock and fear, it was my voice.

What I mean by that, is that the voice that has been commanding me, and encouraging me to hurt others, the voice that has continually belittled me and threatened me is my own voice. I don’t know how to react to this, I feel scared and confused. Do I have a dual personality? Are there two of me? I don’t understand what this means, or maybe it’s always been just me, and the voice was simply an outlet for the subconscious mind? But the voice is external so how could it have my voice? Am I one step closer to resolving my illness by recognising the voice? I would like to know what my psych thinks of this.

Something else that’s been a recent development is my mind glitching. By that I mean that I could be sitting on a chair, and my perception will glitch. It’s hard to explain, but maybe it’s because of the added stress of what I found out about the voice. For example, if I stand still, I will feel as though I have moved to the left or right of my standing position, then shift back to where I was standing without actually moving. I could be staring at something and my view will shift left or right, or up or down, and then return focus to the original view again even though I have only been staring at one thing with complete focus. This has been happening quite frequently, particularly in light of the recognition of the voice. I’m scared my mind is deteriorating, and that I can’t stop it. I’m not imagining this, it really happens, and I don’t know why and I don’t know how to stop it.

I feel I’ve come full circle since writing this that the reason I feel suicidally depressed is because of these recent instances. That on top of the sessions ending, is making my mind lose control. The frequency with which I have been hearing things and seeing things that aren’t there or being said has also increased. I’m becoming more confused, lost and isolated about why I am like this. If anything I don’t feel like I’m moving forward, but moving backwards. Every time I find something out, it makes things worse than they already are. Why can’t I get better? Why am I so fucking useless at dealing with this?

My guess is that I’m fucked one way or another, with or without therapy. I don’t know what I should do next. On the one hand I want to kill myself and end this misery, on the other hand I feel if I can fight the urge, if I can work through this period of wanting to die and harm myself, then I will come out stronger, even with the revelation (for me anyway) that the voice is part of me, and in essence I am hurting myself, but it has its own persona.

I am nothing like the voice, I am by comparison weak and passive. The voice on the other hand is over critical, hateful, angry and venomous, belittling and manipulative. I can’t compete with someone like that, I can’t deal with living each day normally, or as normal as possible, with this hanging over my head. I’m done hurting people at the voice’s request, or harming myself. I can only hope, as the voice has managed to force me to harm others and myself before, there’s every chance it could happen again. I am this close right now to taking a blade to my arms. Not as a release, but as punishment, as a step closer to having the guts to end my life.

Well, feeling sick again thinking about all this. My throat has gotten tighter, and my mouth is dry of moisture. I myself I am more frightened and confused than I have been when I first heard the voice. I don’t know if anyone can help me any more, I don’t know if I have the guts to do anything about this. I’m being told that therapy is only going to make me feel worse, that there is no one I can trust or depend on to help me, that I am after all, alone in this mess.

I need to rest. I don’t know if I can handle this much while awake.