endurance ·
29 June 04

They wait for him. They watch, when he lets his guard down, but they don’t show themselves.

Not yet, not now, too soon. He thinks he’s found some solutions, if not a specific one. It’s been several years, and it stopped. Well, it never really stopped, but he repressed it.

He never acknowledged their existence again, since that time, until now. Or perhaps earlier, it’s not something he likes to remember. Flashbacks, flashbacks, the flashbacks hurt him, almost paralyse him. It drives him insane, to think about his state of mind then. Of what he heard, what he saw, what he imagined, and what he thought. He didn’t want it, any of it.

They preside over him again, after all these years, and slowly he remembers them. They sure enough remember him. They revel in the moment, rubbing their hands together with their snide, impish grins. What has brought him to this point? Things had been worse before this, things had tested him before this, this was not the worst time, so why now? Perhaps because it wasn’t the worst time. Where is the joy in destroying depression with further isolation, when you can destroy contentness and turn it into hatred? They know this well, they did this before, probably to others, but definitely to him. He couldn’t be content for long, he couldn’t have what he wanted for long, because they always watched and waited. They knew it would be time soon, and they waited. They jumped on him, grabbed him by his arms, opened his mind and revealed themselves. They were here. That was then, and now it was repeating itself.

He stopped them before, a few times, but it tires him. Them? They multiplied? He’s not sure. There was one, he knew this. There was always one. Like him, but stronger, darker, meaner. There was one, but not more. Not that he remembers. The one divided himself? No, he can’t have divided himself. He cloned himself? That was it. But how? Had he been so complacent as not to notice? Could he have been so content as to ignore the threat. Assuming that by not thinking about him, now them, could he have stopped the regression? It seems not, and now they’re stronger. Much stronger. He thought he grew in strength, but he let his guard down too often of late. He became alive, wanting, accepting, talking, listening, enjoying. They weren’t happy, and he ignored them. For them, it was like 10-pin bowling. They would pick each pin of his contentness and knock it down. They didn’t warn him how, or when, but now they had revealed their existence, or the possibility of their existence.

They remind him, of the lowest ebb; the breaking point

Why had he done this? Faith. He had faith; faith was his Achilles heel. Too much faith in others, too much faith in hope, in possibility. Where were the facts? He lost the facts, the definition, the logic. He lost the coldness, the abrasiveness. Inspiration? It’s a green light for them, they feed of the positive. He needed to revert back, to live, to survive. One more time, one more attack, that was all he could handle. Unaware whether it would be his last. If this would not be his last, he could never survive a further. It had to stop, but how? The ball has rolled, the snow collects, the ball becomes larger and the momentum has gathered. He needs to crash, crash before he rises. Burns before he is resurrected.

Fuck joy. Fuck happiness. Believe in nothing, believe in no one. It’s you against the world, they tell him, they whisper in his ear. You’re all alone, really. You know we protect you, in our way of course. In return, you will do our bidding. You’re suffering, our pleasure. Can you remember? Do you remember? That day? Those days? Those years? Do you remember your past?

Yes, he remembers. He remembers it all like it happened yesterday. Like all of it happened today. Just like it will happen tomorrow. Stop it now. Stop them how? There was one, it was manageable, but three? Maybe more? How many more? He doesn’t know, he sees three, he hears three. But there could be more, it’s been so long. He opened up. It’s been held in, it’s been saved, the pain, the anguish. It was all prepared, it was a set up? Did you set me up? Of course we did! You fucking ignorant fool! You think!? You think we would let you get this far ? Without our control? Imbecile! Yes, I am, you are right. I apologise. I can’t take anymore, but don’t do it, not again. I don’t know if I can manage. I don’t know how much I have left in me.

Flashbacks, the pain, the pain. THE FUCKING PAIN. The blood boils, it doesn’t warm under a slow heat, it boils, and it burns so much. It burns and makes him sweat. His eyes, they lose focus. He loses all thought, he is not himself, or not whole. They are coming back. He can hear them, they are inside, they are talking, whispering in corridors of darkness. The bleakness hides their presence. But he listens, he hears. This is part of their intention. He is weak, they know his curiosity. He lives for knowledge, for more than what he knows. He needs more, or he will die anyway. The arms shrink, his hands are no longer his, they belong to someone else. They are, larger now. They cover a desk, and entire desk with just two hands. The desk grows larger, and his eyes are shutting. He cannot see in the darkness. He now sees himself, he’s blind. He has no blindfold. but he is blind. His eyes are welded shut. The lids have been sewn to the lower eye, and then burnt. They are melted into place. The skins around his jaw, his lips, have been torn. They drip with blood, with his tongue sliced like vertical blinds. What have they done to him? His hands? Where are his hands. His arms? What happened to his arms? He is no longer moving. He feels nothing. He is numb without feeling.
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A taster they shout, there is more to come. So much? So much after so long? But why so much? It wasn’t my fault! I had to, I FUCKING HAD TO! Don’t you fucking understand? Don’t you listen? Don’t you care? Care? CARE? What the hell do we care? We know, we remember, that’s all we know, that’s all we understand. You know what happens, you KNOW what comes next. But not now, not here, please, on my knees I beg you, please, not now. Wait, wait, wait till I grow older. Wait till it’s over, then, then all you want, all you wish, it’s yours. It can be done. You’ll forget. But I WON’T! I swear, please, PLEASE! See the tears in my eyes, see the quake in my nerves, you see my fear, I FEAR YOU, is that not enough? For now? I REMEMBER YOU, I remember. But please, not now, I beg you, for me. For us, for all of us, not now.

We promise nothing. I was fooled, you are right. I failed, and I ask for forgiveness. You are greater than I, you are stronger, the wiser, the gifted – I am nothing, I do not exist, I only exist because you let me. STOP. No more, I don’t want to remember, not now. I can’t accept this. It’s too much. They laugh, they grin, the slap each other on the back. They know what he is doing, and they humour themselves. They remind him, of the lowest ebb; the breaking point.

Do you remember this? Does this cause you…pain? YES! YES! It does, my god, my fucking god, my spine is breaking. My soul is being shattered, my heart is stopping, my lungs give way. I cannot breathe, I am losing my sight, can you not hear this? I tell you the truth, no mysticism. We see, we know, we enjoy. Then why? Please, I ask for, some more time. Then you must promise.

He became alive, wanting, accepting, talking, listening, enjoying

I cannot promise. I cannot say forever, I cannot say now, or tomorrow, I cannot say any of this. Then FOR WHAT? FOR WHAT DO WE STOP? WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE? YOU ARE THE WEAKER ONE! I’m afraid, I am so afraid, can you sense this? I fear you so much, and I do not know who you are, or whether you exist. See this? This is the life you control, so much, so well, why destroy it? Why now? EXIST? Wait. WAIT. Do you exist? No. You do not. You do not exist, and therefore, I feel I can leave. I can let you go. For now PERHAPS, but later. Later you belong to us, do you remember your arms? Yes. I remember. I feel the pain. The shame. The disappointment, the weakness. The scars have gone, but I still see them. I know when, and I know how many, and I know how deep. I remember it all. Do you remember the knife? Yes. I remember the knife. I remember it well. It hurts still. I walk, and sometimes, I feel the tenseness, and I remember. I remember what happened that night, that evening. You made me hurt them so much, and you almost destroyed me. I betrayed them, and I hated you. I thought I had lost them. But you lost. They came back, they said it was ok. They understood.

They will do it again. He knows, they will try again. But this time, they know it will be the end. He senses this too. Can he defeat them? Can he win this war? Can he stop the battles? Peace. He needs inner peace. It is not about happiness, he doesn’t need happiness. He needs peace. So he looks for peace, somewhere, somewhere in life, in chemicals, in others. He looks, and searches, and finds nothing. He has no guide, he is alone. They were right. But it’s ok, as he fears them, but not like he did before. They know this. We always come back, we have to, we are you, we cannot go. Unless you go, we will always remain. Accept us, and we will not block you. We will compromise. YOU FUCKING LIARS! YOU FUCKING LIARS! YOU LIE THROUGH YOUR YELLOW BLOODIED TEETH YOU MUTHAFUCKING LIARS! We know, we find it amusing. They laugh again, they laugh hysterically like a pack of hyenas having stolen another’s prey.

Laugh. Continue laughing. For now, I close your door. I block the cave. The travel stops here. You cannot go further, nor will I permit you to. You come back again, you try again, but I cannot quit. I’ve come so far, so near, I almost have my answer. I almost know the question. Some more time, I will bare your burden, your existence, for now until I finish. Then I will deal with you. We will still come back, and we will still hurt you when you least expect it. And I will double the pain I endure, and destroy you further. I see your face crumbling, I see the reality beneath that mask. I see part of it. You destroy me, and I destroy you. We die together, agreed? Agreed, though we will cheat. Bastards.