hindsight ·
16 July 07

Why is hindsight considered an important thing? I hate fucking hindsight with a severe passion. It’s like some fucked up reminder of what you, mostly, didn’t get right. At least in my humble opinion.

I hate the phrase that goes hand in hand in with it, “Hindsight is a beautiful thing”. Is it really? The last time I looked back on something it pissed me off and raised my volatile images to mind, and increased the impulse to harm others and myself. I understand that you can learn from it, but is that what people want? When you look back on things that went wrong, you often regret it happening and wish it went right. Dwelling on the past brings up feelings of disappointment, missed opportunity and add more words if you prefer to this small list already.

Thing is I don’t know why I’m thinking about the past, perhaps it has something to do with my dad. Looking back I do regret not being stronger and more defiant towards my mother in order to better understand and develop a relationship with my biological father.

But this isn’t why I’m writing. I guess there’s a lot of missed opportunities on my part. Looking back over the past 10 years it’s been ups and downs, and everything in between. I’ve had more than my fair share of making a success of my life.

I got to study which I never completed, and I think about that now and wish I did finish my studies. Instead I went into a crap first time job and crap pay which we spent in a crap pub. I used to drink a lot during my early days at college and then later on when working.

Alcohol and drugs at the time got me through some tough times, but more so than that they fuelled the desire to try and keep living. Had I finished my studies, and gone to university, I am almost positive I would have been in a much greater position in my life, and en route to some sort of success.

Though that wasn’t the case when everything fell in to place the way it did for me.The worst part is that when I successfully landed a job that had positive prospects and ambition, I got shat on again by myself, I think. They thought I was psychotic, they thought I wanted to blow their heads a part because I had an animated gif of a scene from Videodrome.

They some how expected me to confess to something that wasn’t true. I dealt with the situation the best I could and that was even after feeling as though they had already made their minds up, I’m still not certain that I know precisely what got me in the shit house, but it was Internet related and it got me a dismissal for gross misconduct, A badge I wear with little honour, and little pride,

Still, things were going right for me again, and another positive job opportunity arose, but yet again God decided to take a massive, heaving dump on my life and put me into a psychotic state of mind and on suicide watch before I could grab the opportunity of another job. It’s shit luck of my own making I guess. I do have some sort of control over my life and I can’t really blame it on the boogie.

So now I just have to wait for another chance to shine, and hope to fuck that all the lessons I’ve learnt in hindsight, result in some fucking positive fruition because frankly I don’t know if anything else is going to pop up for me in terms of opportunity. I’m not at my lowest ebb just yet, but I have been better.

It’s looking back in hindsight and remembering all this shit that reminds me how delicate people are about how they lead their lives. I look back and I think, “This shit has to get better”. I live in hope.