i don't know how to write positive ·
5 June 06

I’ve not seen a film in months, read a book in months, I’ve listened to albums that are new only recently. I have written a review for several months, maybe half a year, I don’t know, maybe less.

Part of the problem is, I can write about things I hate better than I can about things that I like. When I have to write about negative issues I can write pages and pages about it, but tell me to write about something positive and I’m hopeless and cluessless.

Last week I cancelled two appointments with my shrink because I had two negative episodes. I felt really bad, very low, and I couldn’t comprehend anything. I’ve rearranged my appointment for this Friday at 2PM, completely forgetting that the World Cup begins on the same bloody day. I can’t cancel now, as I’ve cancelled twice already and she’ll start to worry that I’ve killed someone or I’ve killed myself. Unless I get to a phone, and then pretend I’m holding someone’s decapitated head in my other hand while conversing about odds and sods with the other hand. What could a third hand do I wonder?

I tried to quit work, in fact I did quit and I’d finished my last day, until they pulled me back in and said I could do two days a week if I wanted. It’s good in a way, since I only do the two days I need to, I save on travel, and I get to watch the entire World Cup without interference. The quitting wasn’t about the World Cup, I told them. The fact was, it was and they knew that I was handy in a tight situation, and to do some static websites they could just hand to me while they focus on the php and networking. I was quitting because they wouldn’t give me June off to watch the World Cup. I’m not sure who got the better deal, since I’m still working, but doing three days less than usual.

I had a third negative episode yesterday, where I became restless and the voice made its presence felt in the form of screaming and shouting. I hadn’t taken my medication and affected me really badly, unlike any other day since I’ve been on medication or been off it. I immediately took my meds, though it took a few hours for it to kick in. I feel a bit fucked right now as it goes, so I’m going to write off and take my meds again.

I learnt one interesting statistic. Schizophrenics fall into three categories, and currently I’m in the third category, but they’re trying to work at getting me in to the second category, ideally I want to be in the first category where I have an episode every few years, rather than everyday as I do now. Apparently with medication and therapy, they expect a reduction in my symptoms within two years. Two whole fucking years before they consider me close to being better. It’s just a guidance, I know, but even so, it’s a scary fucking thought.

Well, I’m gone.