ok you win i give up ·
29 June 08

Another day without my antidepressants, and I am continuing to feel very depressed. I can’t pull my head out of this limiting and controlling illness. I feel so sick as well. If I eat till I’m full, I start to suffer from nausea, it could just be a stomach bug. However, it’s been like this for nearly two or three weeks now, and I don’t seem to be getting better.

Once more I’m limited and restricted to staying in my bed because getting up or moving around, like typing on the computer, is really making me feel as though I’m going to puke profusely. I’m not sure what can subside such ill feeling, but I’ve tried aspirin, paracetamol, and ibuprofen, yet I still feel horrible and weak.

It is possible that my body is adjusting to the lack of anti depressants in my system, but I would have thought that sort of sickness would only last a few days, rather than weeks. Even when I take a drink of water, I feel like it’s going to reverse course and my floor will be covered in digested remains.

On another note, I have noticed that my mood and behaviour have been swaying quite rapidly. One minute I feel depressed, the next I feel fine, then I feel angry and then confused. I seriously can’t control my temper very well. I’m doing my best to drive some consistency within my moods, and trying to find ways to control my mood swings, but it’s very, very difficult.

My half brother tried talking to me today as he played on his friend’s Playstation 3. He came back excited and buoyant about his experience, and enquired as to when I would be getting one. All I wanted to do was drown the little bastard, decapitate his head from his body and skewer his remains over an open fire. It was quite overwhelming, but I had the only thing under control. The voice was feeding on this and made the visions even more gory and violent, and continued to ride on the back of my mood swings to incur a reaction in my vulnerable state.

After a few hours, I felt fine again, or as fine as can be. I still had mood swings, and that continued feeling of nausea. Even now I feel as though I am ready to vomit, and I am still considering sticking two fingers down my throat to get out what’s already in there. It may just make me more ill. I don’t feel I have many options, so what the fuck am I supposed to do?

I’m slowly drawing to the conclusion that I cannot cope without the antidepressants, or at least I can cope but in a volatile and vulnerable state, which is neither good for me or those around me. I feel exhausted and energetic at the same time, I feel a lot of contradiction in my emotions and my overall health. It’s becoming more and more difficult to manage and I feel I’ve lost this battle with depression. I may as well be dead.