sod this, let me sleep! ·
23 March 06

My insomnia is way out of control I haven’t slept in four days, it’s all to do with my new whacko medication. I stay up all night watching the bloody commonwealth games which are about as interesting as watching a snail and a horse fight it out. You know the horse is going to win, even if it ends up with a rather slimey hoof to boot.

My social worker called today to ask how I was, and I explained that I was trying to sleep. How does it manifest itself, she asked regarding the insomnia. What the hell was I supposed to say? It turns into a big balloon and attempts to violate me anally before singing me a lullaby and then turning into a pink heavy metal goat that looks scarily like George Dubbya.

She suggested I find some way to deal with it for now, and I told her I was going to join a gym. She laughed when she suggested jogging, but I’m not sure if she was reaching for ideas, or found it amusing that a fatty like me could actually jog. The cheeky cow. She probably didn’t mean anything by it, but I am so on the edge right now that I can’t think straight. FOUR DAYS WITHOUT SLEEP.

All of this is dragging me down, and I’m not working so it makes it doubly boring

I stopped taking my medication for two days, just like my friend did, and it made no difference as I was still awake. My sleeping routine is take my meds in the morning and try to go to sleep since I assume staying awake all night would make me tired. Does it fuck like! If anything my energy levels increase. Even if I work out, I’m too exhausted to do anymore working out, and once I’m done it makes no difference. Physically I’m tired, but my mind is fucking staying as alert as a Meerkat (sp?).

All I end up doing in bed is staring at the bloody ceiling, or I stare at the wall to my right, or I turn the TV on hoping something will bore the hell out of me and knock me out. The first time I watched Good Night and Good Luck, I fell asleep, the second time I watched it I was glued to the film, so that didn’t work.

Part of the problem is that the medication is making it difficult for me to concentrate on anything in particular. I can’t focus my mind on anything, and when I try I lose focus. I could watch a particular film, but only end up watching one third to half of the film, losing interest quickly, not out of boredom, but out of sheer frustration from lack of concentration. I lose the plot entirely and have to give up or start all over again. Sometimes I can keep up, turn the film off then go back to it later, but more often than not I just cannot keep focus or concentrate for any length of time.

My social worker called today to ask how I was, and I explained that I was trying to sleep. How does it manifest itself, she asked regarding the insomnia

All of this is dragging me down, and I’m not working so it makes it doubly boring. What am I to do with the time I have? Do I write like I am doing, and if so for how long? Inifinty? I thought smoking would help, and I know it’s a bloody stimulant, but it often relaxes me, so I stand near my window, I light the stinking incense and puff till I see the end of the cig, then chip it on the sattellite dish and pop the used cig in a bottle full of orange juice. The juice is now a thick, black colour and I’m ever so tempted to drink it. Maybe the vile taste will poison me enough just to knock me out and put me to sleep, but not enough to kill me. At least, that’s my unproven theory.

I’ve spent the last half hour tapping my head against a table, clasping my heads and trying to figure out a way to put myself to sleep. Of course now is a bad time as I have to see my shrink in about seven hours so that only leaves me about four hours worth of real sleep, and it’s going to take more than two hours to get to that point so really it’s two hours sleep or less that I’ll be getting. I refused sleeping tablets, partly because they’re addictive and partly because I overdosed on them before. I may over dose on them again, you see, not to kill my self. No, but to SLEEP. Four days without makes a man crazy, four days without sleep makes a crazy man crazier.

Sod it, I’ll watch some boxing. Roll on day five.