the end? ·
9 August 04

I’m not a writer. Don’t let this little site fool you. I’m very much a pretentious, arrogant, irritating bastard. Saying I like to write is perhaps a disguise for the fact that I am not human. Fuck knows. I certainly don’t.

Over months, perhaps years? Fuck knows. I’ve tried to write, and sometimes I wrote stuff and threw it away. I wonder if I still have my suicide letter/novel. It was something I wrote that I gave to someone in the hope that I would be dead. A friend took it and added a critique to it. It was a relief to find someone could make fun of it. Everyone else was too fucking serious about it, even though I had intent, I didn’t have the will.

There are things that I started writing. Things I still write, and still delete. I want to try to be as honest to myself as possible. That is, whatever I write, whether it’s good or bad, short or long, if it is unfinished then I should still commit that. It’s something I haven’t done, and I’ve always shyed away from writing long pieces and never finishing them.

In some cases, I have started things and then finished them several months later. Or over a period of months. That’s not to say that I write epic novels, I could never write anything of a quality worthy of taking someone’s money. I think writing what I do, doesn’t warrant charing anyway. Besides, I’m not fanciful on the idea of making money from putting words to paper. I know people do it everyday, maybe I’m too nice, or perhaps I don’t give a shit. Why does everything have to revolve around money anyway?

So, I have a couple of things so far that I started, but could not finish. I think I will do, perhaps at some point, although having said that, it’s equally fair to say I may never finish what I started. I hope that I will, but in any case, I’ll be able to put the bastard on the site, and use it to fill the gargantuan space I have left on my space. Add to which, it’ll give me an excuse to say, “I’ve updated”. Not that I tell anyone I’ve updated. People visit. People don’t. The site is really for me, and my mind. It at least represents a bare percentage of what the hell is going on inside there. On the other hand it could all be complete bullshit and every word I have written is a lie, made up, fake. And then again it could be a true reflection of who I am, or a persona that I have created with conviction. I don’t particularly give a shit.

I think this is the second introduction to a new topic that I’ve given. Strange.