the robbery ·
13 June 04

I plan to break into a big bank, using rubber pliers, an electric toothbrush and a clown mask.

I will wear a smart, dark blue suit, a white radiohead tshirt underneath, and place the tie around my right hand. The shoes I wear will be alternate – in fact I will wear one shoe, brown in colour, and one sneaker/trainer on the other foot – it will be green in colour, with white stripes.

My trasnport will be an old, tired, dying horse – it will have cancer, and I as I reach the bank, the horse will “neigh” in despair at the pain abd burden of carrying me to a bank from such a distance in its cancerous state. It will crumble beneath it’s own weight, and die, coughing blood, it’s bones now dust within its flesh.

When I have successfully broken into the bank, I will sing, “Feed the World” as per Band Aid, and not the child molester MJ, in a tone deaf, and irresponsible manner. Irresponsible as I may turn existing supporters of charities into avid haters of any charitable event involving celebrities years of fame.

Having sung the song, I will continue to approach anyone with a weapon with the electric toothbrush, I will then threaten to kill myself if my demands are not met – as I am aware that an electric toothbrush is about as frightening as threatening to splash water on someone’s face. It doesn’t quite work.

time is something people panic about, but never really understand

1st: The bank must be vacated, and all the money removed.

4th: I wil swim and eat my way through the jelly.

I hope the density of my weight will not force me to the bottom – I hope, in all honesty, that my weight will propel me to “float” or “swim” towards the ceiling as I eat jelly on the way.

This is one my great plans. But it’s called the robbery, and although I stole nothing of tangible value, I will have stolen other people’s time. This is of equal value – even though many people will not recognise it. In fact, time is something people panic about, but never really understand.

You are welcome to join me.