the unknown ·
2 June 08

There’s stuff going on inside my head, that I don’t know whether I should be worried about. The voice has over powered me in the sense that I don’t feel able to talk to anyone, see anyone or be around anyone. I don’t feel as though I’m going to harm anyone, or myself in particular, but I do feel physically sick. My stomach is turning, and I feel like vomiting, and this is connected with the abuse and berating I’ve received from the voice this night.

Other factors have come into mind as well, such as the cohesiveness of this family, and though I’ve made it a point to distance myself from the family, I find the atmosphere to be strange and depressing. For the past three months my parents have barely talked to each other.

They’re talking to me, and they’re talking to my half brother, but they’re not talking to each other. The environment is so intense that it makes me feel ill with the thoughts that I may have to stay in order to keep the family together.

The voice has fed into that thought process too, telling me I’ll be stuck here, that I will not be able to move forward. By moving forward I mean moving out, having a life and all that entails. It’s fucking depressing.

I’ve been fine for the past few days, so why the sudden depression and feelings of falling into an abyss, I can’t explain it’s origin. I guess I’m also worried about university, and the surrounding issues. There are deadlines to meet with regards to applications and such, and my worry is (thanks to the voice) the trapped feeling sI have of not being able to attend uni.

It’s normal that I would have some trepidation about something new and unexplored before. I’m looking forward to it, but there’s this niggling alternative scenario which leads to failure that the voice keeps painting for me, telling me that no matter what I do I will fail, that I will never be allowed to progress unless the voice wants me to progress.

I want there to be something in my life that is both stable and meaningful, and I don’t really have that at the moment. I’m in limbo with no idea of what I’m doing with this life that I’m wasting. I’m not sure how my studies will be influenced by the voice. It ruined high school and college for me, but I’ve been taught better on how to manage my illness and how to cope with different situations.

This coming week I might visit my friend, get high, get drunk and watch Euro 2008. It will be good for me, because I haven’t seen him since late March/early April, and it will be the furthest that I have been for a long a time. Well since March/April I suppose, which is about two months.

In between I’ve picked up my half-brother from school, gone to visit the doctors, and will be visiting my care-coordinator this coming Wednesday. So I am going out, little by little, as I become accustomed to dealing with the voice while being around other strangers. Yet it keeps telling me they can read my mind, that they’re laughing at me, and want o kidnap me and kill me. The usual shit then. It just never stops, you know?

I don’t feel comfortable writing any more so I’m going to stop for now.