thought control ·
13 January 08

I think I’m making myself sick, but I’m not sure. I’ve been taking small overdoses for the past week of duloxetine and risperidone. The reason for this is because I’ve not felt right in the head. The voice hearing has been tense of late, and it’s been throwing me off guard. The increase was supposed to, in my hope, to improve the situation, but it hadn’t.

Where the meds came from, I’m not really sure as I was down to my last few doses until my mother found a bag with meds with my name on them. I was surprised as it was dated for October last year.

As I said, the voice hearing has been intense, and I haven’t been able to focus or understand things properly for the past week. I remember when I was on Olanzapine/Zyprexa the nurse and, I think, a social worker used to visit me at home when I was discharged from hospital. I had the same problem of lack of sleep with any anti-psychotic I took, as I built up a tolerance to the sedative properties of what I was taking, in this case Olanzapine/Zyprexa.

They told me that it was OK to take a bigger dosage, that it would be safe to do so, as and when I needed it. I took this advice and have applied it to my current medication. I’ve been taking four duloxetine and three risperidone, which isn’t that big an overdose, just a few steps up than normal.

It’s left me in a strange place mentally and physically. I feel aware of things, but nothing seems to be sinking in. I can’t keep track of time, my sleep patterns have been erratic to say the least, I’ve been forced to take paracetamol for the constant headaches I’m having, and then there’s the intense voice hearing. For example, today I thought my half-brother was making a fool of me by making noises in his room to taunt me, to provoke me. But he wasn’t, it was the voice. I couldn’t distinguish between reality and non-reality, to coin a phrase.

Now I’ve been out of whack, and this has happened often enough before, but this time it was different, it was really psychotic impulses dragging me towards harming him severely. Even to kill him. And it would be the second time or third time I’ve had such intense and psychotic emotions and desires to harm him.

Even with over doses, I’m feeling really scared of what I might or might not do. This could be a temporary situation, and I don’t know how long I should wait for it to pass over and end. I’ve not eaten for most of the week and have been taking the larger doses without having eating anything, on an empty stomach if you will.

I am a bit infuriated about the lack of sedatives available due to being prescribed only enough for a week. I don’t know if they were testing the waters, or felt they couldn’t trust me with the medication. I might as well go to the chemist and pay for them over the counter. But, I know that to get better the Drs need to know what I’m taking and whether or not it conflicts or affects my other medication.

To be fair the first day of taking it, as I said previously, I was overwhelmed, but I felt I had already built a tolerance to it, so prescribing more, perhaps, was not such a good idea as it would only waste the medication.

I definitely need to take something stronger though, and something that is guaranteed to work. I know someone that orders sleeping meds over the Internet, and they are very strong, but they work as well. I’m not asking to be put in to a coma, but I would like something that my body can’t fight against to stay awake.

Well, I feel a whole lot better now. I was initially intending to write because I missed my second to last session with the psych. I didn’t realise it until this morning when I saw the date was the 13th of January. I thought the 9th was on the following week. I was annoyed that I had missed it as it may have proved useful. Still there’s one more session at the end of the month and then who knows what happens after that.