wake up please ·
12 June 07

Fuck. I don’t want to get up. No, I don’t want to wake up. That’s it, I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to face the day, and be bored mindless with doing nothing. I feel so fucked up.

I’ve been feeling like this for a few days, as of late. I don’t know what’s triggered it, but the monotony is killing me. I’m not saying I feel lazy, I just lack any motivation to do anything. I feel resigned to stay in bed, and try to sleep some more. But I can’t get back to sleep.

My day begins just as the rest of the family is getting up to go to work and school. I wake up around 7am-8.30am. It doesn’t matter what time I sleep really because I end up waking up at the same time each day. I feel a deep loathing for being awake, being aware and thinking.

The voice talking to me, suggesting things to me doesn’t help, as it keeps my brain active. It’s not stimulated, it’s like an active numbness, if I can call it that. It’s the voice telling me that I am going to be abandoned by my psych, that I will soon be left to deal with things on my own, and that it will have the greater control.

However, I don’t buy this. I’ve had a year of training, if you will, of coping with the voice and managing the impulses and desires to harm others and to self harm. I am much stronger than I was before I was in therapy. At the time I was breaking down every other moment, and falling down an ever deeper hole of bleakness. Things still feel bleak, and some times desperate, but I’m that one notch up on dealing with the situation. That’s one notch better than nothing.

I can’t do my course, I can’t watch the television, I can’t listen to the music, I can’t communicate with my parents, I can’t find a reason to get out of bed. My motivation was course completion would result in a job. Which it will, but I just don’t have that motivation any more. I’m just not finding anything to stimulate me to do something. To do anything.

This lack of mental stimulation and monotony is furthering my depression. I don’t know how bad it would be without the medication. If my recent escapade of stopping my medication was anything to go by, then it would be quite a nasty experience.

Yet even writing all this, I want to go back to bed and go to sleep. I just don’t want to wake up. Perhaps an overdose is in order. I’ve been thinking about taking medication earlier rather than at night time. Or perhaps I could increase my dosage by taking my meds twice a day instead of once a day.

This week has been an off week, and I don’t know if things are going to get better. Fingers crossed though, as it could be worse I guess.