what's happening? ·
30 November 07

I’m getting a little worried now. My initial anxiety was that I was out of meds, and I won’t be able to get any more for another five days. I don’t know what the withdrawal will be like, or how I will feel without being medicated, but I don’t really like surprises so I want everything to be the same. Sadly it isn’t because I’ve turned fucking anxious and befuddled.

Other factors, doubts and other anxieties have crept in to my mind and refuse to vacate the premises. Over the last few days the voice hearing was becoming really difficult, and I couldn’t really focus on anything. I felt a lot of fear of being lost in an abyss of overwhelming doubt. I’m uncertain and unclear about a lot of things at the moment.

One instance, for example, is this course that I am supposed to be doing. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I mean it’s a £3000 course I’m doing and I am not even taking it seriously. I should have almost finished it by now, but I’m only half way in with another 6 months or so to go before I finish it. I don’t even know if I want to finish it, I feel as though I shouldn’t be doing it. I should go to University and study there instead. Hell I could drink, hook up with girls, get laid often and live a teenage life all over again. It’ll be like a rebirth as a teenager.

But I haven’t been doing the course and it’s pissed me off beyond belief. The negativity of voice has put some much doubt in me that I feel I want to just tell them to cancel the course, in which case I have to pay the remainder of the course fees. If I don’t they could take me to court. So my other options is don’t do the course, pay the monthly fee as normal then go to University next year and pay for studying there as well. Well, actually, I may not have to pay for the course but I will have to pay rent and the like. Course fees will be reduced if not wholly omitted. Shit man, I really want to go to university but this fucking course has me locked in an agreement.

Fuck, it’s helping to write, but fucking hell it’s making me confront the problem a bit too head on. I kinda need my space from myself to deal with the problem coherently. I have to think about things, assess the damage as it were to find a solution. I could do this course if I study well, and there’s money in it for me at the end of the day, and then I can sort myself out. I just need the fucking motivation to do it. I have no motivation or drive to want to do the course, and it’s finding that that is being the most difficult puzzle in this jigsaw puzzle.

I need to cut the shit, and quickly.