withdrawal ·
8 April 07

I feel incredibly sick, and have been suffering from nausea for the past few days. This has all come about because I haven’t taken my medication for the past four days. I say haven’t, but it would be more appropriate to say I couldn’t take my medication.

Due to the Easter break, my parents royally fucked up and forgot to get my prescription. Had I know they were prone to fucking things up this badly I would have sorted things myself. They have not understood the effect it has taken upon me, and to be honest I was not expecting this much of a problem without my medication.

I think I’m suffering from withdrawal symptoms due to being immediately cut off from my medication. The onset of nausea has been hideously overwhelming for me, and I haven’t been able to beat it. NO matter what I do, say or think, I have been unable to beat this feeling of overwhelming sickness.

As I writ this I am shivering, my temperature has gone up and down frequently. I’m either too hot or too cold, too awake, too drowsy, hungry, thirsty or too full and drowned by liquid.

I’ve been feeling the most suicidal I have for quite some time, and equally the most violent I have felt for some time too. I could so easily grab a knife and stab the shit out of my mother and half brother. Welcoming my step father in a sea of family blood. I want to top myself and kill this horrible feeling of helplessness. I’ve contemplated failings, successes, and the past as well as the future. I am just not coping with all these feelings and thoughts that are coming at me at an incredible pace and not coping is causing a lot of other ill feelings. I may as well be crippled for all that I can do to deal with this situation.

No part of me feels capable of dealing with the effects of medicinal withdrawal, and yet somehow I am still here and nothing has happened. I’m not sure how I’m coping. The last thing I Would want to hear is “Well done”. I fucking hate that phrase. It pisses me off to the extremes, and feels like something you’d say to an animal for having done a trick at your master’s bidding.

I so wanted to strangle my half brother, I lunged at him, helplessly and weakly. I just don’t have the strength either mentally or physically to be able to do anything. He saw it as playful, but my intentions were otherwise. I am in a total head fuck right now, and I can’t even face talking to people I know, let alone people I don’t know. It’s times like this that I think it is even more important that I be removed permanently from home as I am a danger both to myself and others around me. Unless I act on those impulses and cause harm to someone, then action will not be taken to remove me from the situation. The result therefore is more anxiety and stress on top of what I am already feeling.

There seems no way to kill this feeling of overwhelming sickness. MY stomach is turning in on itself, making me want to ram fingers down my throat and throw up whatever little there is that I have digested. I have been incapable of eating in reality. I managed to eat some chocolate and drink some water. But as I say I am feeling the extremes in terms of physical effects and emotion. I can’t control anything, it’s wave after wave of feelings and physical effects on the body. I want to poison myself right now, it seems the most peaceful way to exit.

I am breaking down, I am shattered, and broken, and I can’t seem to find an exit strategy for dealing with this. I have felt low before, but this is a different kind of low, one which is affecting me both mentally and physically and something I have not experienced this intensely before. How the fuck am I supposed to deal with something I haven’t experienced before. If it was less intense, less overwhelming then I might find it more bearable but this is simply too strong for what I feel I can handle. I’m not equipped right now to deal with this.

Last night it took a monumental effort to get to sleep, I spent most of the night digging my fingers at the wall next to my bed. I can’t even remember how I got to sleep, or when I went to sleep. I do know I was awake for quite some time, hoping that sleep would just overcome me and I would slip quietly away.
It didn’t happen the way I wanted it to happen.

Mentally I feel I’m failing, the voice has been persistent in its demonstration of control and the barrage of belittling and suggestions of a violent and garish nature have been non stop. I’m trying to look at things rationally and seeing this as the effects of withdrawal symptoms from the medication. Perhaps a short period of intensity followed by calm. Unfortunately I don’t see it happening right now, and I can’t argue with the voice. I feel choked in what I think and what I say. I don’t have the mental capacity to communicate counter arguments effectively to any thing the voice can put forward. I don’t fucking need this right now.

I feel at my most vulnerable, I feel bare and alone. My parents have no concept of what I have been feeling these past few days, even trying to explain to them what I feel I would find a monumental fucking task. I don’t speak their language correctly, I don’t understand fully the cultural differences and challenges that are to be faced or overcome to explain where I am at, nor can I be bothered. They are not worth my time.

Right now I feel I could develop a dependency on drugs of the illegal variety, just something to keep me going for the next couple of days before I break completely. Yet I feel a complete loathing of all the illegal drugs I’ve ever used. I feel a particular loathing of cocaine right now, I’m finding it to be the biggest let down and waste of money. I don’t think I will ever touch that crap again.

Fuck looks like I’ve written myself out of another hole.

END